Now, if you were to ask anyone else what had happened, they would probably not even remember having a conversation about it. But the very thought of this conversation has caused me anxiety attacks ever since I got home. Once again I'm paranoid and once again I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I'm not “cool” enough or “funny” enough to be considered one of them which would make them think nothing of my words...at the same time I matter just enough to be a bitch in everyone's eyes. My worst fear will be realized, I'll be as insignificant and worthless as the intern I started out as – just a body in front of a computer monitor and one not worthy of anyone's attention or, for that matter, a paycheck.
Completely irrational, right? And yet there is nothing else that I can even think about. I can't even focus on something else long enough to allow my body to release this stress illness.
Tomorrow when I go to work, chances are nothing will be said about my comments. Probably nothing will have changed. But I will have spent the night going through all of the ramifications of my words, the nightmare scenarios that could occur as a direct result of my words – even though they were not vindictive or judgmental or anything other than neutral. And will I spend the hours til work begins tomorrow fending off anxiety attacks? Yes, I will.
Perhaps some yoga and some rest for now. Hopefully all will be brighter in the morning and this bout of my battle will be beaten...for now.