Now, if you were to ask anyone else what had happened, they would probably not even remember having a conversation about it. But the very thought of this conversation has caused me anxiety attacks ever since I got home. Once again I'm paranoid and once again I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I'm not “cool” enough or “funny” enough to be considered one of them which would make them think nothing of my words...at the same time I matter just enough to be a bitch in everyone's eyes. My worst fear will be realized, I'll be as insignificant and worthless as the intern I started out as – just a body in front of a computer monitor and one not worthy of anyone's attention or, for that matter, a paycheck.
Completely irrational, right? And yet there is nothing else that I can even think about. I can't even focus on something else long enough to allow my body to release this stress illness.
Tomorrow when I go to work, chances are nothing will be said about my comments. Probably nothing will have changed. But I will have spent the night going through all of the ramifications of my words, the nightmare scenarios that could occur as a direct result of my words – even though they were not vindictive or judgmental or anything other than neutral. And will I spend the hours til work begins tomorrow fending off anxiety attacks? Yes, I will.
Perhaps some yoga and some rest for now. Hopefully all will be brighter in the morning and this bout of my battle will be beaten...for now.
I worry about things I say being taken the wrong way all the time. I'm pretty sure someone out there, maybe two someones, are mad at me, and a third someone may have been hurt by something I said too casually without considering how it might be received. And I want to apologize, but it seems like even bringing it up might make things worse. Plus I'm just so ANGRY that people misunderstood me! But that's neither here nor there.
ReplyDeleteOnce it's been said, you no longer have control over how it's taken. But you can put the reaction into perspective and make sure your behavior reflects how you want others to see you going forward.
What if they do think you are a bitch? That doesn't change the fact that many people outside of work love you and think you *are* cool enough AND funny enough.
Also, the more people you piss off at once, the more effort you had to go to to do it. And YOU, Janelle, put no effort into pissing people off. If it happens by accident, surely they are touchy individuals who don't know you very well. And if they DO know you, they can weigh that one remark against all the nice and polite things you have said and done every other day in the time they have known you.
Virtual hugs to you. I hope tomorrow goes better.
I just want to second everything that Teresa said.
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I third it! ♥
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