I ought to be working on the MST3K project that I proposed, but the submissions have, for now anyway, stopped. I plan on contacting some of the MST alums and asking them if they would be interested in contributing, but I wanted to wait until the craziness from the JoCoCruise and the holidays had died down. I plan on contacting them in the near future, but in the meantime I’ve been consumed by work and, for better or worse, Twitter.
As dumb as it may sound, I’ve begun to have a love hate relationship with Twitter. On the days when I’m, I suppose, sane it can be a great medium to connect with friends, share information, and even try my hand at being funny (an attempt with inevitably fails). But on the days when I’m a bit off kilter it feels like a competition. Rather than having fun with everyone, it’s as though I feel I have to compete against everyone. Compete to be seen, compete to be witty, compete to have some kind of a mark.
It must be reiterated that this competitive nature is not in anyway caused by my fellow tweeps – it all stems from within me and within my head. Everyone I follow is brilliant and funny and beautiful and intelligent, but at some point, I begin to convince myself that I am none of those things, at least not to the degree that they are. I shut down and think I’m not good enough to stand with the likes of the wonderful people I follow.
Isn’t it stupid? To irrationally believe there to be competition when there is none, and to then allow that to affect how and when I tweet as well as the nature of those tweets…it’s pathetic, actually. What is strange is that it’s not a constant feeling of inadequacy – it just comes and goes without warning. The inadequacy shows up in the offline world too. It comes and goes but when it’s present I can be very difficult to understand or deal with. The areas it affects within me range from self image to intelligence to self worth.
I’ve never been officially diagnose by a doctor or psychiatrist with having a mental disorder, but I do know that I have an anxiety disorder. I have a history of anxiety/panic attacks and can have anxiety so great that it makes me physically ill. But after fellow tweep Cheryl posted a bit on her blog about Borderline personality disorder I began to reevaluate what I believed my disorder to be. The symptoms are all ones that I suffer from, and the more I think about it the more sense it makes.
For now, though, I remain undiagnosed and the reason for my fickleness with Twitter remains a bit of a mystery. But if I disappear from time to time or seem reclusive, hopefully this has shed a little light on why.
Self-diagnosis can be a good thing when it helps us understand ourselves and the underlying reasons behind why we react the way we do. It can help ourselves unravel our own personal mystery, as long as it's not used as an excuse to hide behind.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we have to self-diagnose simply to have some form of idea of what we feel we need to work on.
Also, I can relate quite well to the competitive feeling on things like Twitter. It's why I disappear for days on end. (That, and escape from the internet)
When I first started teaching college writing courses, a very wise professor said something to the effect of, "if you don't feel like a fraud sometimes, you probably aren't doing your job." It was a weird thing to hear him say--especially since the dude is freaking brilliant--and I'm not sure it made sense at the time, but I think I get it now. Regardless, it blew my mind to hear this highly educated, thoroughly published, excellent teacher say that even he doesn't feel good enough sometimes. It put something in perspective for me.
ReplyDeleteWhat it did for me anyway is convince me that, even when I don't think I'm fine, that I actually am. I'm sure that mindset doesn't work for everyone as I'm sure the severity of feelings of inadequacy are different from person to person, and brain chemistry probably plays differing roles, but I thought maybe that would help. Take it for what it's worth.
*BIG HUGS* Janelle, I'm going through the same thing right now, which is why I've been rather distant on Twitter and Facebook. I completely understand the feeling of competitiveness and I can't really deal with that right now. Believe it or not, I've always envied you! You're beautiful, smart, and funny, even if you might have self-doubts about it. ♥
ReplyDeleteOne of my biggest mistakes this year was stopping therapy. I have a psychiatrist that I see regularly but it's not the same. That's mainly for medication management and is only about 15 minutes. I did call my therapist one day last week and found out he no longer takes my insurance. :/ I hate the thought of having to find someone new, but if it'll help me in the long run, I'll have to do it. I think, if you can, it would be a good idea for you to see someone also. Therapy won't make you feel better overnight, but with the right person it'll definitely make you feel better in the long run.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here. :) I may not be good with words, but sometimes just venting your feelings can make a big difference. :)
I am pleased to see you when you do show up on whatever social medium strikes your fancy and I'm sad to read that, when you are away, it's because you are feeling down. I hope that you find a way to feel like your very best self as often as possible. Take care friend!
ReplyDeleteI most certainly can relate to this; at first I could just talk at people without thinking I was bothering them, now I feel I burden people with my boring conversation. I'ts a constant struggle to believe I am worthy to talk to the people I admire. (Both on and offline.) When I try to leave for a bit, but I feel like people will forget about me or I will miss something important. Just hang in there and know we love ya and understand. :)
ReplyDeleteHey! So...I have kind of the same thing, although what I generally do when it happens is just sort of sit back and watch. I've been feeling that way for the past couple of days, so I've just been sending a lot of @ replies to people - not jokes, just nice comments or supportive things. That's been good. And I don't think any of you people are boring or burdening anyone. My computer broke a few months ago, I had no twitter for a week, and when I got back I found out that I had missed absolutely nothing interesting ;) (and people did remember me.) So - it's normal, just take a step back and maybe just send a bunch of replies for a while.
ReplyDeleteI think taking time away from Twitter is just the valleys part in the peaks and valleys of the Twitter experience. As is the competitiveness, the cloying for attention from more popular people, and the Janellousy-- which is a very real condition that I suffer from to this day, but I'm always glad to see you bounce back.
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